You know its bad when you're praying for a hangover just so you aren't still drunk at work anymore.
I blacked out, fell off a swingset, and thought I was Liz Lemon for almost an hour.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.
He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.
I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.
She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
Eating cold pizza and drinking a beer for breakfast while standing in a hotel window naked is how I say hello September...
I asked if anyone's pants felt wet on the bottom, like a half hour after mine did. I had just peed my pants i had gotten so high no biggie
You have better ratings than Crest. Only 4/5 dentists recommend it. You have 8/9 recommendation for your blowjob skills.
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
Also apparently I made a "cake sandwich"--yeah smashed a massive piece of cake between two slices of bread....fucking tequila
Randomize
