you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
I was blowdrying my hair this morning and I swear to god it smelled like franzia
We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.
and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame
Sorry for screaming that you were an apple in spanish at the bar last night, that was the wine talking
Pretty sure I scared him off for good. The lesbian in me is ecstatic.
I know it I should, but it's kinda nice. It's smells like unbridled enthusiasm and copious amounts of melt your face off sex.
remember how i yelled at you for inviting that coke dealer to the party?! i found the $100 bill they were snorting with in the couch.
..new slutty dresses or booze? i won't even waste time with the i told you so.
We tried to hook you up with a girl but you said you'd rather fuck the large muscular black man because "At least he'd be tight". He was the bouncer, he heard you.
Who shows up to work two weeks ago still drunk and freshly high on blow and gets a promotion and a raise? This girl. Good at business. Super good at being fucked up.
I kept resisting the urge to yell "2 for 2!" so they could hear me on the other side of the wall.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
My goal in life is to ruin sex for someone. To be so mindblowingly unreal that they can never find anyone like me ever again. So far it's going well.
Shooting a bottle rocket from my penis was entirely justified. Twenty bucks is twenty buck no matter how you look at it
He took some pill and now he's on all fours demanding we give him chips from the dog bowl. Come get him.
Randomize
