Hey dude. Went to the hospital. Call me when you get up
So you maybe wanna hang out again? I could use the $5
Whatever I can do to help stimulate the economy
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny
I just learned my tits were fire resistant. I should join the freakin circus
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
He had really great hair, but he told me he's been in a psych ward three times. I mean I know I'm a psych major, but that's too much.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I'm good. Got my nipples pierced and threw my back out. 🙌
If you can give me an orgasm, you'll get a trophy.
I just revenge puked in his shoes. This is gonna be a fun night :)
She really wants to hug you. With her vagina.
Randomize
