I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed
If Rob Pattinson gets another fucking MTV award, I'm going to vomit.
I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe
my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.
There is blood on the door to my room, I have to go to sleep
The guy at the bar repeatedly told us he was an off duty cop from out of town, that to normal people would be the time where you stop asking him to smoke a blunt with us
He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you
I don't know if trying Molly for the first time before my flight was an awesome or aweful idea
According to the boxer briefs I found on the couch when I got home, I take it your date went well??
Im gonna go for the gay guy. The ginger is freaking me out.
That moment when your mom is so drunk she makes you get out of bed to lay in her bed because she thinks it feels like sleeping on a marshmallow peep....
Dude what is wrong with me. I'm like a strong independent woman and shit.
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