I saved $70 from being to drunk to go out last night so I figured I could buy a new watch.
just found out my horoscope sign is scales. it's like i was destined to be a drug dealer
He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.
He was using OnStar to get directions to the bar. I'm pretty sure he'd have gotten her number too if I hadn't disconnected the call.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
We smoked a bowl in front of the abortion clinic shouting Obama at the protestors.
when you're a senior and the freshman guy you wake up next to asks who you are, you DO NOT give him your real name.
If you walk into a place and someone says "happy birthday" while handing you a shot. You. Take. It.
Dude so help me god I WILL weigh a penis one day
I expect you will be there for a drunken 3way with my husband again this new year.
What, wait. You are not supposed to drink wine out of the bottle?
By the way I can not feel my vagina. It's like it's asleep. What the hell did you do?
He keeps singing a song about someone called the dayman.
....fighter of the Nightman?
I've struck affair-gold. He's hot, he's ripped, he doesn't want a relationship, and most importantly he won't have to ask Gods permission to bang me like the last religious nut job did.
Randomize
