She looks like Sash Grey but sounds like Fran Drescher. Advise.
k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.
PSA: Morning booty calls are no longer accepted after the hours of 6am when I've been drinking or before 11am when I have not. Your cooperation is appreciated.
College is a time for personal growth. Meaning it's time to start using those pickup lines on randos at dive bars.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
I'm just waiting til he drunkenly pisses in his new man's car the way he always whipped it out and went Bellagio in mine.
Omg have I shown you my skeezy ex fiancée?
The other one.
I tried to celebrate Halloween, Thanksgiving, Hannukah, and New Years all in one night.
Look, the coffee machine died a noble death. It was the way it would have wanted to go. It was a mercy exploding, really.
If drinking had a "new high score" I think I hit it this weekend.
My grandpa is driving me to get condoms and wine. This is adulthood.
Serious question, on a scale of go for it to what the fuck are you thinking, what's me going to a monk or any religious official and saying "baptize me daddy" in a serious voice?
You cannot steal the fun of my nakedness. You do not own my nakedness. My nakedness is my sole property and I share that fun with whom I choose.
Randomize
