When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
I am spending my child support on dildos
You were face down, at your computer, surrounded by beer bottles listening a bagpipes version of amazing grace.
I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.
he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....
There is literally a guy in my class with a gallon of water and a trophy.
It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.
And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.
Just had a VERY VIVID visualization of wrapping a pizza around my cock and fucking its brains out. Soooooo less weed more dates?
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
Ok. You have started something that can only end with a picture of the inside of my butthole. It may happen today or next year, but it's on my agenda.
She woke up next me in bed and told me to stop driving so fast.
The cat hopped on my bed and watched me masturbate naked with a vibrator. I've never felt more sorry in my entire life
Well, I ruined his toilet and he's still completely okay with me. Plus, it took him like a week to tell me.
If a girl I didn't love ruined my toilet I don't think I'd stick around.
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