just survived the first fart of the relationship.
at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them
Everyone needs a good pregnancy scare in their life.
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
Just remembered to take my BC at the liquor store. Just swallowed it with a free sample of Whiskey.
I found out that my first kiss was an Italian. Even in kindergarden i knew size mattered.
well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home
Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.
Only thing worse than going to work with a hangover is going to work with a hangover then realizing that u don't have to work that day
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
CALL 911 HAND IS STUCK IN THE GARBAGE DISPOSAL. HELP
Do we still have any pizza left from last night?
We're about to play the try not to vom at the president's house game...
We ran out of toilet paper so Ive been using coffee filters
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
Just got my second shot
Baller. We’re going to be knee deep in strippers and coke in 10 days
Randomize
