either we just had an earthquake or I am really good @ masturbating
dude I just sharted for the first time ever, kind of gross
well what did you think, shitting your pants would be fun
I bet there is no greater pleasure in life than pistol whipping people.
Anal.
I'm surprised you like me... I didn't think I was your type.
Blonde hair and big tits is every guys type.
The heaters out again. Makin a fire in thebroke toilet for warmth.
You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
When he came downstairs he looked at me like I was attempting to rob his house.
Did you reintroduce yourself?
He threatened to call the cops.
Just for future questioning, I didnt break up with you over text
We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.
sex on the stairs. not our finest idea.
I gave him a bunch of ideas to use to spice up their sex life. Say what you will, I am the best 'other' woman ever!
Yeah I ended up covered in the mud by the end, in a lady bug golf cart that was blasting jazz music with a dead phone
You tipped the Uber driver extra for taking your phone away while you were drunk texting
My life has come down to me literally sitting on an uncrustables trying to defrost it because I’m drunk alone and hungry.
Randomize
