just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"
farters have to be the big spoon...
You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie
woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.
I remember sitting there at the toilet, bleeding everywhere and thinking, "I walked from my bedroom to here. What happened?"
i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls
I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.
Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.
Did you sleep with Connor? And who undressed me? There's a picture of two guys peeing out my bedroom window. What happened?
It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
so go get some goddamn bacon and lay in his bed naked. he'll love it.
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
He sent me a flaccid dick pic from the bathroom at the bar and he said I'm sorry it's not all hard and good looking. Props to him - I did ask for a pic.
Nothing cures your heart after a boy calling you unattractive than a big fat dick
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