My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.
A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world
Jason and steven are boiling shrimp in the microwave again
i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame
You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.
It was close. I was the girl scoping out where all the garbage cans were located in the class just in case.
This is why you don't heavily drink before 2 midterms.
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
I'm glad the semester is over. I need a break from the term "whiskey sharts" coming up so much in conversation.
Tequila, beer, rum, gin, and vodka all mixed in my body last night. The whole "never turn down free booze" is catching up to me. Hungover = understatement of the year.
All of my exes are either overweight and neckbearded or dead. Someone out there is looking out for me.
I don't know if I'm more excited about getting chipotle or about getting laid
Sorry about the confusion with the nudes last night that was rude
Listen, you can either give me drugs or an orgasm. You decide.
I have a cheeseburger in my purse and im going to fill her prescription for narcotics. Who thought i was responsible enough to sign her discharge papers?
Let the record show that I hate your ass.
Randomize
