I was going to clean my house but wine sounded better
She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.
My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.
She was sitting there stuffing her face rubbing my back with a dorito cheese filled hand while eating something else with the other hand as I was crying.
I have no idea what to do about this. He has a power over me and I think its called his tongue.
When I get home we should play "let's see how many Christmas movies we can watch before we start having sex."
Well, on the plus side, the hospital gave me a shirt that says "Makes a bad ass look good"
I think I ruined his life by managing to get his initiation nickname for his frat to be "Whiskey Dick" but I still wish herpes on him and his fugly new girlfriend.
My unemployment came through so I'd like to thank the taxpayers of Utah in advance for my level of intoxication this weekend
In local news "Man Stabbed With Golf Club" next person who tells me this is a safe place to live gets punched...
I felt kinda awkward walking into his house in nothing but lingerie and my dead grandmas overcoat
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
I'm sure as hell not getting hoodwinked into going back to rehab again
i woke up to drewlling on a plate of eggrolls half naked halfway between my bed and the floor, and i have no idea where my pants went
What's the point of having a gay best friend if he doesn't play with your titties?
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