Herpes is a lot like Arnold Schwartzenneger. Because it always comes back. Also, because it is usually in some way in control of California.
Dude, no matter how drunk you are, it's not okay to hug every other guy at a strip club. Mainly because boners are far too common.
sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.
nothing i could have done in life could have prepared me for walking in on her SHITTING on my rug.
Needless to say there is no second date for this girl.
yet...
bailing my boss out of jail is a great way to spend memorial day
They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
I've been at work 30 min broke a paper towel holder a chair set a box on fire and fell down twice. Hungover Brian just reached a new level
In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.
Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy
SOMEONE has to puke in the potted plants at an Xmas party. As their boss I felt it should be me.
Stalker pic that shit
He left, I think he got uncomfortable when I started singing 'oompah oompah doodley do, I have a special riddle for you'
How do you say happy birthday to someone you fuck occasionally that almost got you arrested? Like what do I text.
three guys with a tattoo of the Walmart rollback smiley holding up a middle finger on their ass=free drinks in every bar
We were so amazed while watching mission impossible ghost protocol last night we didn't even have sex
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