i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.
I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?
Can't be the first without the last
I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.
I just want to let you know how hung over I am today and I fucked a girl in a kangaroo costume last night.
I just came inside of a Gatorade bottle. That hungover.
which one of you assholes put my new jeans down the garbage disposal?!
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
He sent me a selfie with his cat. He has found a way to my heart. And pants.
You know you suck at relationships when you are sitting in the airport on Christmas day, alone, swiping on Tinder.
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
Let's not forget that we had sex on the ground in public tonight.
I know you want to take a pregnancy test, but could you wait until Sunday so it doesn't ruin our weekend
I just woke up in a prom dress on your bathroom floor, yea I'm 32.
Randomize
