If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.
Fuck. I have a girl here waiting on me in my room! I told her I was going to get a drink of water... I'm in the bathroom taking a dump... I have mudd butt bad... There's NO toilet paper!!
my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.
If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.
I'm timing the release of my poops to the sound of the machine gun from the video game he's playing in the living room.
Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.
Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people
We really have to stop convincing people tazing is the cool thing to do.
Sorry for rubbing my feet on you and repeating "good pony, stay."
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
Just ran into a client at a sex shop. The meeting tomorrow is going to be really awkward as we both try not to picture each other using vibrators or role play costumes.
Girl please we both know I eat his bullshit up like its candy sprinkled with crack
Let's just say we ended up at Denny's with a strippers shoe that we had to discreetly leave at the door to the strip club this morning
He put his name in my phone as David Hot Guy With Tattoos and I fell in love because that's what I was going to change his name to anyways
So when's a good time this week to show up at your apartment in nothing but a trench coat and a bow? Y'know. Hypothetically.
Randomize
