On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
I am drinking with my family and the average drinking tolerance is a shot and a half. I feel like the incredible hulk.
In retrospect - making it rain salt all over our kitchen was not one of my best ideas.
He came on my chest. Sat back and said "hey it sorta looks like lake michigan!" kill me now...
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old
You crawled through a doggy door 5 times for a shot if cheap vodka.
We would be rich. And the whole world would be stoned.
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I've never seen a guy eye-fuck someone so hard in my entire life. I thought he would develop laser vision, bore holes into your body, and not even realize your innards would be spilling everywhere. That's how bad it was.
I may or may not have just let Ash Ketchum capture my wild Pikachu in a parking lot.
Marrying her is the worst scenario of any. That includes death and zombies.
I think I had sex with a seagull last night. The window is open and there a feathers everywhere.
Dude she is fucking shit up. Her baby would be proud
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