i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Just found a dugout in my rental car glove box. Suddenly my mood is upbeat.
Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.
I'm starting to think you fell asleep on your kitchen floor pantless with salsa spilt around you
Sometimes you gotta say "hey, its been a long semester. Let's puke before 10"
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league
And then you told me I had large hands and looked like a girl who would have an illegitimate child that I never talked about
Sure. But we have to be quiet.
Ninja mode activated
This guy has a theme song for the joints he rolls
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Just looked at my bank statement. 9 out of 10 transactions on the first page were from 9 different bars. The 10th was for birth control pills at the pharmacy. I need to rethink my lifestyle.
i'll explain later but cookie monster is playing the xylophone
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
The sex would be better if it wasn’t interrupted because his home detention ankle monitor needed charging. At least I know he’s not cheating on me
Do you even hear yourself?
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