Hooked up with my old baby sitter last night, so what do I do? As I was sucking her tits I decided it would be a good idea to say " goo goo gah gah"....it wasn't a good idea.
Just found a hundred dollar bill on the ground. Hope you're looking to drink tonight
he has 3 profile pictures up and all of them are him riding jet skis
Ever since I discovered that youporn works on blackberry, my brickbreaker skills have gone to shit
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
She looked at me and said there is a 90% chance I am going to puke in the next 10 minutes. 10 minutes later she is in jack in the box throwing up. She has amazing timing.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Tonight I plan on passing out fully clothed on the table. I don't know where normal people plan on sleeping.
We'll never be able to grow apart now. You can't look at a stranger & say "Yea I ate goldfish crackers off his dick." & just be casual about that.
i had every intention of working out now im just drinking wine and thinking about taking nudes in my thigh high tube socks
Also my roomate used some of my condoms so she gave me her hummus. Great trade
That's just how I roll. I drink, then tell people I'm either not wearing underwear or I'm training to be a stripper.
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