Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.
if every girl in minneapolis isn't pregnant when i get back to the cities i will cry
They are making fun of natty and blackberries.
Tell them they are ugly.
she just totaled her parents new car because there was a bee in the car. So she crashed into a light pole to kill it.
high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?
No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.
the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.
That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.
So doing the math I dated almost 2 of me in penises. Like, if I you layed them out lengthwise it would be 2 times my height.
Can we go one day without you telling me that your dick misses me
I don't know how it happened. All I did was tell her I was impressed by her presentation. Her nail marks on my back ain't going away anytime soon.
i accidentally gave my stepdad ketamine so id say it was a fun weekend.
I woke up to a huge bag of McDonalds breakfast, a cup of coffe and Advil. The note read "yeah its a one night thing, but I felt bad so here you go. Thanks"
He just set a new unobtainable standard in one night stand etiquette.
1 why did you tell them where i peed last night and 2 where the fuck are you
Dude, I just masturbated with my cat sleeping on my boobs....
You have GOT to get this crazy cat lady thing under control. I'm finding you a man. And you'll take him, and thank me. After that text, you have no right to be picky.
Randomize
