First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.
I saw he had me in his phone as "the fat twin"
We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us
She just flushed the toilet with her head inside it...
She's currently celebrating her completion of "Sober October" with "Margarita Shit-Show November."
We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?
Drink a bottle I wine by yourself? Treat yo self
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I have a few Facebook friends I only keep around for quality control purposes on Tinder
i left you alone for two hours TWO HOURS & when i got back i had to rush you to the hospital because you were covered in Smooth Away pads & drinking the bong water..
So I came to the conclusion that who ever pour my ever clear out saved my life
I just got out of a $280 speeding ticket by acting like The Big Lebowski. Seriously Jeff Bridges is the man.
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