Bonnaroo quote of the day: "why the fuck am i pregnant?!?!" - exclaimed loudly by random hippie.
woke up in a freezing tub of water at 6 am again. probably should stop the drunk baths
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
I have your shoes, your bike, and someones blue underwear. Round 2 tonight?
He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.
He gave me twenty cool ranch tacos and declared, drunk, " Look, I do good"
You told the entire smokers deck that you were blowing .08 now and anyone else willing later
all I'm saying is that my epic blow jobs have made grown professional football players cry in ecstasy
Funny how I'm trusting a magic 8 ball I found in the kids toy section to tell me about my sex life
If Boring and Monotone had a love child, it would be this guy.
Mike Pence got the fuck boy eyes though
i can't believe i helped you shave your back last night, and she still didn't sleep with you.
Btw that $18 I gave you to run around outside naked came out of your wallet.
Does the girl you just banged want anything from Taco Bell?
Third time this week I've caught co workers dry humping. Quarantine really changes people's priorities.
Randomize
