I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."
let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."
Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?
You working tonight?
Keg. Hottub. Wearimnh a 8th graders bikini. Mess
I heard you were walking home with taylor with your dress completely up and your ass exposed
Yeah, that sounds like my life.
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.
First world problems?
I really want to fuck that guy in the full wind breaker suit
My gay card got upgraded to platinum status today.
And the prospective student I was showing around had to take care of me.
I just put poptarts in the toaster with the wrapper on, that's how hungover I am.
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
I feel awkward having to tell people “sorry you can’t finger me because I will get a UTI and I don’t have health insurance”
Randomize
