I really like him. That's why I'm having sex with someone else, so he doesnt think i'm a slut.
Hey I found a place that'll do a hand job for 42 bucks
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.
It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina
The ice cream man just told me to use protection.
Just got complimented on my chugging... Car bombs show how good I am at swallowing, they should be my new pickup line.
Can you explain to me why there are fake boobs glued on my chest?
Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.
That awkward moment when you are on your way to ICU and the only sympathy gift you can think of is beer and whiskey
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
She wants to have a threesome with Taylor Swift. I think this is the kind of love my grandparents spoke of.
When the stripper from this weekend is your cashier at Publix the next day 😐💀#pensacolaproblems
She needs to move out. Her mom interferes with my penis being touched
Nothing like having a family watch you dry heave at the end of the dock
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