A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off
just crush a couple of percocets into it. tell him sam adams came out with a new beer. flavored with sleep.
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?
There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
Well my sober pact lasted almost an hour. Then I did four shots. But in other news, one of those shots I took with a midget. So like I couldn't turn that shit down.
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
He said "send me a motivational picture" so I sent one with mayo on my face that said "clearly I'm no stranger to white stuff on my face"...I'm the fuckingng worst
I'm pretty sure the Bible says "He who is most sober may cast the first stone."
I think the moment she woke up butt naked on a mattress with her phone still on her face was the point she knew last night was fucked up
Hey I'm trying to get back with my ex I'mm done doing whatever we were doing I hope things workout for you
Weird flex but ok.
no no no no you can't just say your dirtiest secret is "i sat on goldfish by accident once" and just leave i have QUESTIONS
AT LEAST TELL ME IF THE GOLDFISH WAS STILL IN A BOWL??????????????
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