in the event that i am dead, my body is laying in the intersection of ... the pearl in springfield. it was my friend's 21st but i think i'm dead. wearing a black top. like i said, probably dead.
Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.
NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
I knew us throwing ourselves at him back in the day would pay off. I'm gonna b a divorcees rebound. Score!
you stole two subs and a drink from jimmy johns and walked out yelling "get at me bitches"
I'm 50% sure my cousin put weed in these deviled eggs.
I knew it was a bad night when the only thing I could remember was you force feeding me tortilla chips as I hugged the tire of my car and begged to have my stomach pumped.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Right as the plane left the gate the brownies kicked in. I dont think the guy next to me appreciated my engine noises as we took off
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
if you go to jail tonight, call call me. i wanna get out of work
He makes bad life choices and drives a wagon, how is that not my type?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
Randomize
