god I hate her. why can't she just fuck and leave like a normal slut.
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
What's the mantra for Sunday?
I will not have sex with him.
I'm pretty sure there a million tiny ninjas in my uterus poking me with sticks.
Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I don't want sex or anything I just really need someone to appreciate how shiny my hair is
On my way to return shoes I bought so that I can afford to buy a pregnancy test. Is this adulthood?
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I'm literally trapped as the little spoon on a mattress on the floor of an unfinished basement with a professional athlete snoring in my hair
he said to "slap him" after he guessed the time correctly. i did.
Randomize
