Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk
Weer fine. went to buiy cigxs, but hes theonly one waering shoes. He caem out wti chicke fingers instead. whatecer, there th 8 dollar kind.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
he kept opening the car door while we were ON THE HIGHWAY and insisting he could walk. next time i drive my boss home at 3am i'm putting the child lock on
I swear to god, my hangover cure is a green tea and a 15 minute twerkout. works every time
I saw him and didn't have sex with him. Responsibility five!
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
He had a drawn-on fu manchu and now my vagina has one too.
Do you think you can chase a shot with chicken soup?
I am just High Enough to train A-Team of bodybuilding squirrels MMA techniques to tear you asunder. And it's not that I want to is just don't you make me do it!
Im so sorry for peeing on your chest.
Dick is dick. I’m not turning it down because he’s younger than me. Covid has been a real cockblock and I’m a woman with needs
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