My hand turned me down
20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"
Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
The only thing worse than cracking my rib on a slip and slide was having the doctors laugh when they found out in my medical history that I did this exact same thing last summer.
I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
Best case scenario: sex with hot bartender \nWorst case scenario: no sex and punched by tattooed guy that may or may not be said bartenders boyfriend.
I just got breakfast in bed and he went down on me. And you though he was a bad idea. Shame
What is it with the dog running away when we have epic hangovers
I thought I was bad, the girl next to me on the bench was feeding a bush a hamburger and introduced me. Only at lollapalooza.
What is more embarrassing, shitting yourself in Mexico or having sex in a forest preserve with a 19 yr old? This is crucial research.
Like, what do you do with girlfriends? Buy her dinner and just like leave?
I just fell and sprained my ankle in the shower. No, I wasn't having sex. I was doing the time warp. Again.
Randomize
