I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.
new years resolution: more sex, less car punching, more chipotle.
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"
Mark just took 50mg Viagra. Tonight should be interesting for the neighbors.
His ass WILL be my cock's next vacation home.
I wish I had a dick so I could say shit like that.
Whatever you do tomorrow don't let me put on the Borat mankini and yell "POLAR PLUNGE!!" while diving into the pool
The pool is covered.....
Like that would stop me.
She just took a mirror selfie at the hospital while in labor.
I woke up to a shattered My Little Pony garbage pail, a black eye I don't know how I got and no one will look me in the face. Fuck tequila.
I have aggressive nipples.
I didn't rip your fishnets, WE ripped your fishnets.
To be honest. I have two poptarts in my jacket pockets. No one knows. I am pro stealth.
Just went grocery shopping with a vibrator in my purse and didn't even realize it. This is what Saturdays are made for.
What's with guys asking if I wanna "kick it" like I'm some fucking 19 year old
My friends say stay away from him but it’s still 2017 so I’m allowed to make shit decisions until midnight hahah
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