just survived the first fart of the relationship.
When I meet a new girl, I'm terrified of mentioning something she hasn't already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.
After we did it I noticed she was wearing the same underwear as last night.
That's why you don't sleep with the same girl two nights in a row man!
85% positive I just found a hair of a certain variety wayyy in the back of my mouth between two teeth while flossing.
I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.
Did I crawl through the hotel lobby all the way to our room?
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
If I had to summarise my weekend I would do so using the words "horrifying romanian moonshine"
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.
She's passed out laying in the middle of the street. Cars are honking at her and going around her body. We need to stop playing BONECRUSHER.
Her vagina is like the upper echelon of Scientology and I don't have enough money to get in
I sharted in my christmas pjs :(
It was a "have 911 on speed dial" kinda night
This is a mass text. Who in the hell shat on my stairs last night?
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