So ignoring my calls doesnt work if you update your facebook a minute later.
It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.
Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.
just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit
he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with
Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.
I woke up this morning with a wristband and I thought I went to the hospital last night I actually went ice skating instead
Yeah. Let's save our goodbyes for when I'm obnoxiously and embarrassingly drunk and more than likely naked.
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
Really stoned me is having a very serious, intent conversation with my mom about egg rolls and koolaid flavors.
I don't care who you bring as long as they are fun and not a cop
I have drunkenly angered a family of raccoons. Please send help immediately.
I know I'm drunk but why am I receiving this handjob through the pant leg of my shorts..?
You did what with his pubic hair?
She flirted with a pilot and a frat boy at the airport in Vegas and told our bartender his mask matched her panties so yeah I’d say she’s rebounding from the divorce
Randomize
