Life lesson: Don't ever put your penis in a crazy girl. Especially if she's married. And has a kid.
today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married
Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.
He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
I remember saying your puke looked like a jellyfish and you got very offended.
No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.
Turns out I sent a dick pic to my sister's ex. Grindr is the devil's eharmony.
He's got the good dick trifecta - flip phone, works outside, bed with no headboard.
Currently using my kid's computer to charge my vibrator. #thisis30ish
It's 2 am on the long weekend and what am I doing? Sitting alone in my room eating chips and queso and watching Rio. Fuck I need to get laid.
I really need to stop turning to the BDSM dungeon masters of tinder whenever my heart hurts
I have betrayed my no carb ways & I can feel it.
Embrace it. Come over to the dark side. I'll feed you muffins while stroking your hair.
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