Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
we're microwaving frozen margaritas its not the same without u
today was the first day of rush. talking to girls all day makes me sick of having a uterus.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I just worked out and used handles of vodka as weights. Whoever said alcoholism is detrimental to you health obviously has no fucking idea.
I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.
You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I just want to steal his innocence through his penis. I really do.
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
I can tell right now that knowing you will either be really fun or ruin my life
You kept asking us from the backseat if you were driving ok and then you kept talking to your hiccups and yelling at them to "stop it already!"
In the morning when you read your texts, just fyi you showed up at my house drunk off your ass and shoe less and demanded I go to the bar. You need Jesus.
Dude why is my bed and bedding wrapped in bubble wrap?
Cuz u wanted to insure u had a safe sleep
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
Randomize
