New drink name: the Vermont Douchebag. Take shot of maple syrup, drop into cup of jager, bomb.
Stuck behind a lady in her 70's purchasing a plastic handle of vodka and nothing else. She is writing a check. Hello future.
I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality
I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up
all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes
You're fat. Stop making excuses
Found you in the bushes with fireworks, a teacup and no shoes. Decided it was a bad time to wake you.
I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id
First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
Since you're going to wake up and see one bajillion missed calls from me, I just want you to know that's a perfectly reasonable number. Now come downystairs.
I'm not going to be your wingman while you are in the hospital.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
this place is dumb. no one understands my Sunday morning alcoholism here.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Probably some sort of karmic revenge for me looking at titties somewhere along the way
and for that you shall suffer
God: I won't strike you down, but I shall introduce your child to Doja Cat during a quarantine
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