I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.
What'd you say?
I told him I was sleep driving
So my mouth tastes like dick. Does that explain how our talk went?
Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting
I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.
Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.
Um, you were throwing up the shocker symbol in front of all of the wedding guests during the best man's speech. No wonder the groom thinks we're bad
Six words: 3rd Degree Burn On My Dick
he stole a smokey from the street meat vendor and put it in his pocket when she wasn't looking and now we're drinking avocado margaritas
my life could not get any worse. just saw my sister in a porno
I guess there's no delicate way to say "I'm 90% sure I sucked his dick in the bathroom of the bar."
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
No we didn't talk. I was high and doing naked yoga in the living room when she walked in so it was just awkward. I didn't even know my dad had a girlfriend.
I SHOULD BE TERRIFIED OF HIS DRAGON DICK.
I'm just bringing him "breakfast," and breakfast may lead to lunch and dinner, but that doesn't mean I want the mealplan.
Randomize
