your all-time low pick up line was when you asked a girl "Are you rock-staring at me?"
i finished masturbating and realized my blackberry had accidentaly called my grandmother in my pocket during it. awkward...
Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.
so it turns out that "condoms galore" does, indeed, come up on your bank statement
I'm gonna vom. In the dentist chair. Who makes a dentist appt for July fucking 5th.
We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.
I told him if I was pregnant we were coming out to the people at work, because I'm not pretending to get knocked up by an imaginary boyfriend.
when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
You know I love you more than life itself, but love has its limits. And so help me god, if you bail on me, I will fucking watch the last Game of Thrones episode without you.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
I just love that a strip club has taco Tuesday.
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
Well, he didn't buy me a birthday present but he sure did give me chlamydia so there's that.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
