Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.
If you're ever in Seattle we should Fuck. Or get coffee, whatever.
Now would be a great time to stop wondering " Who let the dogs out" and go to sleep
do you know how scary it is to wake up in a CATSCAN machine after a night of drinking?
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.
Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.
It's like a booty call, except its for tacos...and you're my brother.
Just pulled a Kenny Powers on a snowmobile
those were not strange pants with a really large waist band...it took me 3 days to realize I was wearing someone's sweater as pants
I used the hope and guess method to figure out who I slept with last night.
He said he could outsmoke me so I challenged him to a weed duel. I don't always very competitive but when I do...
Because I'm currently dying, lacking waffles, and vaguely convinced I'm an eagle
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
you pulled out seven eyelashes and made me count them multiple times whilst crying hysterically.
Randomize
