Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.
My 54 year old father just sent me a YouTube link on my school email titled "Walrus sucks his own dick" and then wrote in the email "I wish I were a walrus". What the fuck is wrong with my family?
He just randomly started talking about Haiti and Conan O'Brien and his grandpa's hip replacement operation. It was the worst phone sex I've ever had.
I honestly get shocked all over again every time I pull his pants down. It's one of those feelings you never get tired of.
if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow
The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.
Mole people?
Mole people
I woke up and found a stick of butter in my pocket. There's no butter in the house so I don't know who's it is. Using it to make cookies.
you're right. a strip only looks good in porn . mine just looks like a fucked up mullet
Steve brought 6 joints and 2 bottles of makers mark, Josh shat himself in the pool, and Amy blew me. Hope that extra 3 dollars an hour for working overnights is still worth it.
Not sure what time I'll be home. I'm currently topless and the damn stripper won't give me my clothes back
I might go bald with this hair pulling thing every night.
My boss's toddler just went through my bag and found your vibrator...you owe me a drink.
I found half a candy bar in my bra today... Melted to my nipple. What a mess. It was still good though.
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