Just saw a midget shotgun a coors light
i just got a fart via voicenote. blackberry has officially changed history.
you kept falling over in mid-conversation and you just got right back up as if nothing happened...
This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.
Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...
Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.
Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
Nothing like buying a handle and a 36 pack with a baby strapped on.
I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
call me with an emergency in 5 min. This chick has a strap on hangin behind the bathroom door.
Apparently I thought every drink in my house needed to have a buddy so I put some vodka in each one. Long story short being wasted at work because the gatorade you brought is 60% liqour is not a great idea.
When I found out he was circumcised I called his mother and thanked her
Randomize
