Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.
I considered driving home in his mom's bathrobe until i realized i'd have to stop to buy cigarettes
remind me next year to leave the 19 year old girl at home when you're going to pride. total cock block
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it
If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.
Well, it was good.. One step forward for my vaj.. One giant leap backwards for my integrity.
I know. I know. The man who pulled me from my mother's womb was the same man who had his fingers in my vagina today. My life is a joke. I don't know how to feel about this.
He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?
Dude, all I know is that I came out of this thing wearing a snorkel mask and completely covered in glitter and soap.
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
Text me all the things you want us to do this summer. So far, I have Kegstand written down
I was so drunk that I passed out before I could do or say anything I'd regret. My low alcohol tolerance is like a guardian angel.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
He’s older
Like “has a job and pays his bills” older or “still watches porn on DVD because he can’t figure out the Internet” older?
Randomize
