I woke up this morning to 4 booty call texts. So i am trying to find the sign that says i like to sit on cocks so that i can take it off.
trust me, i wonder where that sign is on a daily basis.
i just bought ciggarettes using my court citation as id. I've reached an all time low.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
ya i found him eventually. hes the only one who drinks guiness so I just had to follow the darkest green puke trail
My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?
I'm playing a little game called "how many shots of jack can I take before I become a shit show tonight". All front row seats are sold out.
Not much, just your average college male Sunday cleaning period blood out of the carpet.
Tell me you're kidding.
Besides scarred, I'm not much of anything right now.
It's official, the cities waste management does not recycle porn.
I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.
I can't decide if I'm depressed or if this is just what life without a bidet feels like.
There is no issue with you seeing me...morally or ethically. we'll update your resume anyway. I really need to have sex with you later. Really
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
Sorry my phone died. Obviously four o'clock in the morning is a good time to tell you this.
Stupid Covid-19
The universal cock block of this decade
Randomize
