Well I left you a voicemail but you probably won't be able to hear it because my mic is fucked up. I think you need to come down here and take it in for me.
I hate this phone so bad I'm going to lose all of my friends because of it
Yeah...you probably will...
well, you're marked off my christmas card list for next year.
The shirt is mine, the pants are mine, the bra not so much
Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?
Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.
I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic
party gras won. party gras always wins.
This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.
Things you do not want to hear after sex: I almost lost my gum in your pussy. Really dude, don't share that with me!
Worst walk of shame man. They had a fire drill at 7am, had to walk out of her all girl dorm wearing my Everday I'm Hustling sweater
she asked me to come back to her house where "hopefully her kids were asleep". that my friend is what i call a dealbreaker
That hot guy just got to class and he's eating a bagel sandwich. I dunno which I'm more attracted to
My morning started with my mom giving me the number for a substance abuse councellor. How's your day going?
I have banged to "The Emperor's New Groove" way more than could possibly be reasonable.
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
Well, he pretended he was climbing me like he was a monkey and I was a tree during sex.
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