Facebook is asking me which Pokemon I'd be. Is there one whose only moves are gay sex and reading Adrienne Rich?
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks
She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint
They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...
If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.
I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.
Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I woke up to find a bottle of Bacardi in my shower rack. How was your night?
That's okay I'm failing college because I'm to busy giving over the pant handjobs in class..
His PENIS is so fucking big that I always use caps, out of respect.
Met a beautiful Irishman two nights in a row. I may never come back.
He was a foot taller than me and my hands were bigger than his, it's called Pity head
I’m a little confused...we were told by Cheeto Jesus and his minions multiple times that we would stop hearing about coronavirus the day after the election and, yet, I am still hearing about coronavirus. Is it possible they lied to us again?!?
Randomize
