What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.
Nothing says "You're all grown up now" like setting up your 401k with shitty underwear.
Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world
he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club
I have a scary feeling my mom might switch her goals from finding me a husband in 2012 to sending me to rehab
After we were finished she said "That was like marriage sex". Should I take that as a compliment or insult?
Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!
I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day
Like we were literally doing coke off his insulin pump
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
i just told him to get ready, because I'm going to be taking out my anger over the Super Bowl out on his penis.
can you please not set my house on fire for once???
Gave his drunk ass water, & he poured it on my shirt while saying "WET T-SHIRT CONTEST!" When reminded of it today he replied with, "at least you came in first place"
just had an acid flashback in my therapist's office. i am a walking stereotype
Bruh. You offered the cashier tater tots that you had stuffed in your pocket.
Yeah, and? She might've been hungry.
Randomize