I had a bacon mcgriddle for the first time today. It was like eating a baby angel.
So you started off by saying "no homo," but patting his crotch and saying his jeans fit him wonderfully may have overshadowed that.
people are starting to question the shark bite story
I wonder what it would be like to go to the dry cleaners and not have to inform them that all my clothes are stained with booze.
she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.
Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'
we already have meals planned for the weekend.
SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.
decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
How many weeks is it acceptable until I can start bringing freshman back?
that freshman chick we always see on the weekends walked into art class wearing a jaegermeister shirt and holding a monster, which she proceeded to shotgun with a pair of scissors. It sickens me to know I will never achieve her level
Welcome to the single world where it seems vibrator batteries are in short supply and making a sandwich while naked at 2am is relatively normal
Omg. I can't go on a date with this man. His kids are too ugly.
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
Just went to Meijer. Purchased furnace filters, fishing line, red lipstick and pregnancy test. And if my purchase alone wasn't classy enough, I took the pregnancy test in the Meijer bathroom because Im on my way to the bar and wanted to know if that was a good idea or not. Cheers to no babies!
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