It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.
i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar
Man THE POSTAL SERVICE is awesome when I'm high..... But they suck when I'm sober.
you told me heaven would be the 3 of us at Moe's forever and every hot girl that walked in would ask us to play stone face
He said I came instead of I'm coming. I wonder if he noticed my state of confusion when I stopped blowing him.
Wasn't he an English major?
I was so scared, I actually heard my grandmother's voice in my head saying if I get pregnant, then my vagina will fall off. And then I'm going to die.
Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.
so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister
i hate you
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.
Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard
Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.
I could have done it in 2
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
the sex was good. her showing me pictures of her 4 year old daughter afterwards was not.
I've never been so drunk at home. I just sat on the toilet playing with toilet paper for ten minutes, I almost made a paper crane.
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