My mom gets in bar fights. She doesn't go to bed early.
Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog
I found out he doesn't have a facebook, twitter, or myspace. So, I'm going to actually go to his house to spy on him.
No, he will live forever, like cockroaches and Jack Bauer.
Found a left over fake Olympic medal from our party last weekend. Awarded it to a random girl in the bar last night. Its the only thing she was wearing this morning when she woke up at my place.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
We're past the whole "Did she just try to finger my ass?" Stage. Now it's encouraged.
Thank god for makeup because it looks like someone took a shit on my face
My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.
What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?
You don't care if I shave my legs, but you insist I be conscious for sex. Whatever. I really think your priorities are out of whack.
Giiiirl. Just had a BM that almost killed me.
Overheard-"sex" and "giblet gravy" in the same sentence. Best thanksgiving ever.
All my friends are getting into relationships and going through breakups and I'm having Plan Bs and crunch wraps for dinner.
Well, I was arguably the most sober adult in the house by 1 in the afternoon, so I'd say Superbowl Shitshow was a success.
Randomize