just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.
I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations
We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt
What's a quick way to get over an ex-boyfriend? To hear about how he threw up in a cup and then drank it. That's how.
His new place is a molesden. Like a hole in the ground. It's frightening how oddly private it is.
It rubs the lotion on it's foreskin...
Some girl at my gym just tried to casually drop the fact she can kegel 3 lbs...
It took 6 cruisers to bust the party last night. Cop asked if the theme was a beach party. I said I would fucking hope so with 8 tons of sand in the garage
Pounded a bottle of Moscato in my underwear while watching Pretty Little Liars...am I really gonna be 30 next year?
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
MILK DIDN'T HELP. IT'S NOT HELPING
His birthday is on Valentines Day, of course he's getting a blowjob
The only good thing about the sex was that he finally cracked the spot on my back that's been hurting.
You are the epitome of what awesome would taste like.
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
:(. i have vodka in a fire extinguisher. that solves all problems. except fires. it would actually make that worse.
Randomize
