If he can handle my muffin top then I can handle his front teeth.
You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?
Any particular reason you put 2 smashed up limes in my back pocket last night?
Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later
Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.
It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
You fell asleep on the toilet and he was like uh should I take her off?
I feel like a sex bomb and I need to go explode on somebody
why isn't there a kind of gay where i let guys give me head but they don't expect me to give it back? i could be that kind of gay
He was that good?
I went down on her on the dining room table. That should count for something.
I got with a bridesmaid and a server as well as put an $80 tab in rum and coke under the name Emerson Iglesias. Are you sure it wasn't my wedding?
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
Randomize
