Every time I find out someone else from high school got pregnant accidentally, I want to declare victory over them.
my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
Just saw some airport workers running through the terminal with liquor bottles. That's my kind of emergency.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.
DONT LET HIM GET NAKED. JUST SAY NO
You need to be full form and virile tomorrow so I can live vicariously through your rub and tug.
Your father is wrapped in a table cloth singing, "America Fuck Yeah!" You are missing the time of your life.
I've seen you dance and let's just say its a good thing you don't have a small dick
What I'm doing now is like me taking a bagel, dropping it butter side down, leaving it for six years, picking it back up, and trying to fuck it
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
Of two things I'm absolutely sure: 1. I only took 2 hits off that joint and 2. I definitely ran over hedwig on the way home
He tried to eat me out...through my pants.
Ps can u get with my cousin? He's a freshman at uconn and he's very attractive but like were related....
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