false alarm. still invincible.
I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
All i remember was you crying naked on the bathroom floor because you were cold. I got you a blanket and you kept kicking it off and crying because you were still cold.
we've decided whoever is stupid enough to use the condom that's tacked to the wall deserves to get pregnant.
I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.
I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.
Siri makes being stoned even easier. I don't even Have to type my texts myself
Though I typed a half of that one
But that background check said 51...Omg. If I hooked up with someone that's my dads age.....
She found the planted magnum condom..once she figured it out it was too late.
My lash glue is stronger than my sense of self respect
Comedy Central is in dire need of more sitable faces late at night - Trevor Noah has a baby face - there are federal rules against those types of sexual fantasies
Is it bad if I look at someone i dont know and just want to punch them in the face?
I was trying not to blow up your phone, but I'm so horny I think I might die
Randomize
