i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.
You'll be the first to get a "it's herpes simplex 1" cigar.
so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted
You did not just nickname me "Nipples".
drunk sex in a shower = bad idea broken arm
i was told that i was found face down in a plate of ketchup at the dinner table
somebody put my brain in a crown royal bag and beat the shit out of it
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back
All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
So this is what it's like to wake up with someone else's blood in your nose...
My legs feel like baby dolphins
I told some guy on tinder, that apparently has a prosthetic leg, that I think we started off on the wrong foot. I hate myself...
He makes furniture for a living and is basically a hot, younger Ron Swanson
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