just to let you know, don't open your linen closet for a while until i come over with a cleaning kit and geek squad
She was walking with the authority that 2 beers gave to a light weight.
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
The amount I want to die right now is not proportionate to the level of fun I had last night. Not fair.
Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out
If you take a couple more shots you won't even know he's a mormon that drives a mini van.
Obviously. I'm here to let you eat things off my boobs and help you get laid.
Eating a TV dinner and watching Goosebumps on Netflix, the sad, sad title of my autobiography.
yeah...well...life isn't all puppies & lap dances
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
He left a full handprint on my ass. He called it a "five-star review."
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
ya figured it'd be nice to explore the mythical world of sober sex i've heard so much about
i've often wondered how it works
Randomize