Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??
so today in my theology class we brought up the proper way to have sex. so rough sex was said by the teacher...I said I know a girl that likes to be choked. sorry but everyone knew it was you
aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors
I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.
She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.
3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.
cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks
Can I just say that you're probably one of my favorite people to have sex with and then eat hummus with at 3:45am?
He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.
Dude, I have everything I need for meth here.
YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO MAKE METH IN OUR APARTMENT.
Just taking a shit and realized the captain planet theme song is stuck in my head.
On a scale from 1 to 10 how gross is it to get a chili dog from a vending machine?
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
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