kevin brought a 6ft brunette runway model with him tonight. Now, im not sure what the fuck the color of the " i get it, its over, Im ugly" flag is.... but i'll wave it.
So I called her out for all the gossip she does and she's like "you do the same, bitch"
So I was like "Im classy like the Countess, youre just a bitch like Kim."
Kudos on the Interstate Housewife metaphor.
he was chasing shots of soco with fistfuls of my birthday cake
you told all the 17 year old girls at the party that your mating call was "I glitter in the sun"
You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.
not saying it was a bad idea to throw an impromptu party but someone stole the microwave
No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.
Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I'm remembering the time we thought it was a brilliant idea to put koolaid powder in shots of goldschlager
I'm wearing spiderman underwear, the question is what am I NOT capable of
So in the middle of making out, he decided to give me a breast exam. God I love dating a doctor. He saved me a $20 copay.
I can't take my grandparents out somewhere where I've fucked half the staff.
Let's be honest, I've seen a decent amount of dicks in my life and very few of them have been worth all the trouble.
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
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