our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
It'll be like the burning bush except without moses and with pubes.
$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.
i’m not very adjusted to having free time. for example, I forgot how much fun it is to masturbate.
I will kill you in such a brutal way if you ever de-pants me again on the dance floor it will make the stock market ticker
You serve our country by fighting in the sandbox, i serve our country by entertaining rich businessmans' daughters. We each do our part.
Can I trade you chipotle for a pregnancy test?
He said he wanted to lick the breadcrumbs off my chest
He was 6'5 and wearing a kilt, how could I not fuck him
Apparently stoned me thought eating chips in the shower was a good idea.
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