A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"
I'm going to but the new Playboy with Chelsea Handler on the cover. I'm pretty sure it's the only time buying a Playboy will make me gayer...
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
my grandma just told me that size does matter, and don't let anyone tell you anything different.
It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class
She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.
I threw up in the darkest corner of the bar last night, then watched 2 girls freak out in disgust after walking through it. I then realised I puked on the dancefloor, took a picture and proceeded to send it to my mom.
I've started day drinking because fuck everyone else
I threw up in a flower pot outside the bar last night and have a date tonight....I think I missed something
Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.
The number of threesomes I have agreed to seems to increase every time I talk to you drunk...
Randomize
