Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.
When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics
When i light up a cigarette people look at of like i'm going to pee on their children.
Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.
You win. Erica always eats cat food.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
You broke the end off a wine bottle, ran outside and screamed "FOR NARNIA!!"
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
He could smell the liquor on my breath. Fuck. I thought he would smell French toast.
Is it bad that I coached my cousins 6 year old boy to steal a 30 rack of keystone out of an unattended cooler at our family reunion, or was I just giving him a social head start in high school? I err on the side of awesome.
GOD DAMMIT TARYN WHY DO WE ALWAYS HAVE TO ROB PLACES IN OUR FUTURE PLANS?!
We just got home a lil bit ago. No sorority girls showed except the ugly swimmer chick and she asked if I've ever faked an orgasm.
I thought it was improvement but then i realized sex isn't an emotion and I hate everyone
I haven't lost it. I know I'm not a prophet. It was a joke.
After the edible you claimed you were talking to my cat. We're in our 30s now, what was once cute is now a liability.
Hey man, he's too drunk to remember what you said. What drugs are we buying and when should we expect them?
So random question: what's a good way to tell your brother that his Skype sex kept you awake last night? I'm not really sure how that conversation begins.
Randomize