long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.
He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks
So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.
You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you
How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?
I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.
im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels
Your friend, the one I told I would brush his teeth with my tongue, what's his name again?
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
nope. just stoned. wishing i had a golf cart.
Hey, I'm renting a storage locker for the summer to keep all my bondage shit in so my parents don't see it. You wanna split on it for your all your weed shit?
He told me we shouldn't hang out because it would be weird and then snap chatted me a picture of his dick
YOU RAISED A SWORD OVER YOUR HEAD AND SCREAMED AT HIM WHAT THE FUCK ELSE DID YOU THINK WOULD HAPPEN?!
Was it a bad idea to have spent all of my tax return on coke?
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