Dude i fell asleep inside of her
thats awesome
i told him i was gay. he said that gay guys are supposed to be pretty.
I'm having a chugging contest on the streetcar. The driver is judging.
Plus someone just passed me a joint through the window. BEST STREETCAR RIDE EVER
he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."
I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT
It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...
I'm not saying Tijuana was a bad idea, I'm saying that we make poor life choices. And Steve was robbed by the police.
It's okay I missed my booty call by two whole minutes so I decided to delete him from my phone and then re-add him as "I am a douchelord"
Do you remember making out with the dude in the back of my cab last night?? You said his mustache tickled your tongue.
Dislocated my knee during sex, popped it back in and kept going. Then got simpathy chipotle out of it too.
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
Oh my fucking god that cat looks just like you after you accidentally took Ketamine
I'm like a saiyan, every time I get trashed I come back stronger
I can't control his boners. I can only encourage them.
Do you remember trying to eat the shower curtain last night...?
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