God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
i purposely bought her a small sweater. My way of saying, you've gotten fat.
If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.
I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no
there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.
I realize it truly is impossible to burrow under the grass like a mole. Let's not drink for at least another 3 days.
That's probably when I climbed a tree and told everyone I was an ornament
He was trying to talk to me about standards while he had a french fry box on his hand like a glove and was using it to flatten his cheeseburger.
ugh I gave him morning sex and he doesn't even text me back for my bagel order
Jager makes that raccoon appear... The one that shits in a basket in my living room.
No, gay couples have the same problems straight ones do; I wish that we could go back to the days when he would shit with the door closed.
For a second I thought I had fallen asleep on the floor and freaked out. Then I thought somehow I was on drugs. This is my life.
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
Sexting my TA in lecture = awesome
Dude, you fell into a tree, and both of the tables, AND the window well... Resilient aren't you?
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