You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Get out...Run...Or there's going to be a dick in your mailbox
you thought that fire hydrant was a midget...you gave it a hug and asked for a lollipop.
Did I tell you that you looked cute last night? I looked at the pictures. I lied.
I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...
he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh
be sure to add "office slut" to your resume
thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.
Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
New wedding record, my shirt was off by 8pm!!!
Currently doing the walk of shame out of some random girls house with my boyfriend. Talk about relationship goals.
My mom is worried I'm not eating enough protein so she's sending me 48 cans of tuna. That's not a typo.
No, he came home, unscrewed all of the lightbulbs, and threw them in the sink.
i told her we had a class about unicorns together. i'd say it was a good night
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