My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.
I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.
Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting
he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."
Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...
I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.
You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.
It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas
Omg yes! I just found a random muffin! Don't question it. Just praise the miracle.
On celebration of the Supreme Court ruling I feel it is our patriotic duty to have a threesome
I like dinosaurs. I like penises. It's kind of a win win
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
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