I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.
I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth
have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.
Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.
who knew that a girl that let me piss on her within 20 minutes of meeting her would get upset i couldn't remember her name.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?
I whipped my shit out and she just stared at it with a mean face. It was like a face off in a heavyweight boxing fight.
We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.
Ok get your liver ready for the weekend. Harry Potter Drinking Game Marathon is a go. BYO liquor of choice, rule cards at the door. I wanna see some Hagrid level drinking out of you, Muggle.
Ok, they now been on the roof for two days. I can see 4 cases of teecate and a carton of smokes. They are yelling at "fucking fall" and pissing off the roof.
Well that was the first and last time I've had to write "divorce party" on a request time off form. I'm throwing it for my mom. What is my life turning into.
I have no clue how you survived last night but I applaud you. 21 body shots off 9 bodies in under four hours has to be a record.
Had dinner with a married woman but didn't have sex with her. Tweeted at Mike Pence to apologize anyway.
And pointless. I'm fully vested in all my calories coming from booze today. The salad just fucks that shit up
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