Honestly I wish you never came into my life. I know I don't want you. But I keep trying to get you back bc of the memories
I don't see you I see the memories. All the time
I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.
I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Ecstasy body chair massage shower sex fest this week?
You rope them in with the looks and the boobs, and I'll bore them into submission with random trivia. We can't lose.
how much boxed wine can one drink before work in a couple of hours?
Watching Rudolph while stoned is practically a religious experience.
I didn't think this needed to be said, but our sexts are an emoji free zone
I'm to the point of desperation where I stare at customers penis imprints through their pants all day
HOLY FUCK i just remembered we had bows and arrows and firecrackers last night
and flaming arrows and vodka
how did we not set your garage on fire
How is someone going to pee on the floor two days in a row? Fuck this place.
Was that you calling me at 4am asking to borrow a rubber ducky and a tampon?
You smoked too much and passed out, didn't you?
You know me so well.
Randomize
