I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.
Last night after we fucked, I washed my vag in vodka so I wouldn't get an STD
Or, you could have used a condom
So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.
We tried to get a ride from the same firefigters that were turning off the fire alarm going off at our house.
You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car
I'll start choreographing the sperm rain dance now
Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.
It's all good. Going back to my room to try and air out my balls.
I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
What am I doing with my life
Sleeping with dudes who have peacocks apparently.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
I canceled a date last night to eat pop tarts and go to bed early
Don't care if they even pay me; I lifeguard for the fringe benefits -- free tourist vagina in the Hilton jacuzzi every single night
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