P.S. theres no milk for breakfast, but theres plenty of beer or red wine. you decide.
she just made me lysol my hands in order to touch her tits.
Just saw a commercial bout this girl that lost 54 lbs on a taco bell diet. so thats my excuse.
Realized I'm still to drunk to comprehend work emails. Marked them all as unread. Here's to responsible hang overs.
Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.
What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians
I love that you'd blow off your high school reunion to get shit faced in an aquarium with us
Um. We all know how I feel about sea life
Let's put it this way, there's not many girls I wouldn't let sit on my face
Mom said it is up to us to plan Thanksgiving. Hooters or Scores?
Or???
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
college girl with braces trying to flirt with you...time to go
Dude, Kevin called the cops on the cops.
I'm sorry I missed your birthday brunch. If it makes you feel any better I woke up wearing someone else's toga and a sombrero
Is it wrong that I have to schedule a family Sunday brunch around my mom's weekly banging of my stepdad. And why do I even know this??
Randomize